In searching for my adopted family whom Carolyn Webber has been a HUGH part of this, we have found s
I wanted to ask others in this group that when this is the case , how did you contact them?
Risposte
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@LauraVooris LauraVooris I'm still waiting for the dust to settle. Carolyn showed me how to use DNA Painter as well. After my lengthy recovery period from my own shock, I used Ancestry messaging system to reach out to the woman I worked with off and on since summer of 2017. She's the one who told me which family the connection had to be through. I thought the father on my birth certificate must have had another family before he met my Mom. Eventually it became clear that it was this woman's father was my father.
Even though we had corresponded in Ancestry for a long time, she did not take my very kind and reassuring message well. I am still waiting for her and my other new half sibling to process their own hurt and shock.
So the point of this? The truth is who knows?
My BIL has had the most joyous meeting and meshing of his previously unknown siblings with his known sibs. Another friend's brother and sister have embraced her with open arms. I had not known of others who have had adverse reactions like what I'm experiencing until reading some of our posts.
So I say go forth with joyous intent and contact them with any means you have. You have no control over what they will think or say, over whether or not they will accept you, over whether or not they are kind, over whether or not this will be that hoped and longed for joyous reunion - no control over others, so go by the spirit, by your gut feeling and just contact them in love. That's all you can do in the end.
Will be anxiously waiting to hear and praying for it to go very well. ldr
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Thank you so much for this message. It is so shocking to see after 59 years of not knowing my birth parents to now seeing a possibility that I may have found my birth dad and maybe answers as well. I am not expecting much because I dont want to get disappointed. I mainly started searching for medical history.
My husband just got reunited with his birth dad after 50 years and has a step sister and brother. We had a reunion a couple weeks ago and it has been an emotional roller coaster for us all .
As things prevail I will let you know
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Carolyn is the best!!!! :-)
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Personally, I'd send a letter. Tell him how you found him. I wouldn't say you've been looking for him for years (sounds like stalking), nor say that you long for a reunion (he might not feel the same and it is too much pressure). Keep it neutral. Tell him if he responds saying he wants no further communication, that you will honor his wishes and never contact him or his family again. Be sure to put your contact info under your signature in case he saves your letter. And try to patiently wait. It might not hurt to pray a little. I knew someone who worked on the crew of "Who Do You Think You Are?" He said about 40% of the time the parent says Heck no! I gave up that child for a reason and have moved on with my life. But that doesn't sell Ancestry subscriptions or DNA kits, so they don't televise those.
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This blog post might help: https://www.firstmotherforum.com/2012/02/writing-first-letter-to-your-birth.html
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I got a "heck no" response the first time I reached out to my family or origin in my early 20's. But I tried again when I was 31, and I got a "yes" from both of them. They were at a different place in their lives then.
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Thank you guys so much for the glowing praise. I think that it is important when you reach out to leave multiple ways to contact you. Email, phone, and an address if you choose. Remember if you can locate their address, they can probably also find your address. I believe that it is important to acknowledge that you don't know how they will feel about your unexpected contact. Patience is the important word. I often suggest that people try to not let the choices of the past determine what their choice will be today. Parents that used adoption as a way to hide a pregnancy may still be hiding and denying that a child exists. It is not uncommon to discover that other family members do not know of the existence of an adoptee. I believe that it is important to try to reach out to birth parents before siblings when this is possible. I don't think that I would promise not to contact other family members, but I would choose to be slow about doing so. Perhaps a parent just needs time to tell their other children about your existence. (DNA has a way of speeding this process up if one of their children takes a test and finds some unexpected results.) Sometimes birth parents need time to work through their feelings before deciding if they might be interested in a relationship. This is always a hard call to make when parents are older, because you do not know how much time they have to make a decision.
I have never seen positive results if an adoptee gets pushy and demands an immediate relationship or threatens to out the parent to other family members. I do understand the desire to meet family and the desire to meet them now. After all, you've waited a long time and you really want to meet someone that looks like you. Before every step you make to reach out to birth family, you need to take time to think about what you will do and say depending upon their response. Try to stay positive and encouraging towards them, even if their response to you is not positive.
I have helped adoptees, but I am not an adoptee or a birth mom to an adoptee. (I do have plenty of children though.) I give advice based upon what I have seen with those that I have helped.
I am interested in hearing thoughts from others. What has your experience been like?
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I sent my letter out to my possible birth day last week and it arrived certified mail last Thursday afternoon. I got the notice that is was left at the house. Its been complete silence. Carolyn speaks on patience and that is what I am trying to do. I am so anxious inside and its all I can think about. What is he thinking? Maybe I will know something one day and maybe I never will know.
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It was a pleasure helping you with your research into finding your family members. Were you able to watch the session that Linda talked about?
"Healing and Family History-The Emotional Side of DNA—Robin Wirthlin"
https://www.rootstech.org/video/healing-family-history-the-emotional-side-of-dna
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No.. but I will..
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