I evidently have a cousin who tried to contact an aunt but was rebuffed.
I have the name of a (hopefully) living cousin who had tried to get in touch with family but the person (his aunt?) who he did manage to contact was evidently rude to him (I think the story she "knew" was that he was the result of a ****, though that might have been made up). There are dozens of others of us who want him in the family and want to find him but did not know anything about him until recently.
I am not sure how much information I can give publicly to ask for help in finding this person or how to go about doing this search as I'm just being fed tidbits that I think are true.
This unplanned pregnancy (possibly by my mother's brother) was a local woman (a sister of my aunt's husband). The boy was born in 1962 (I have the date - is it cool to post it here?) in one of two cities in VA. I have the names of two potential fathers, either my uncle or a local man whose name I only know as Bud but whose last name I do know.
I do know the boy's adopted name (I think). It was a private adoption in VA.
Do any of you have advice or enjoy doing research in this type of thing?
Answers
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Traci, If I am understanding correctly, you know this individual's name, but you do not know how to contact him. If you want to private message me the name, I can attempt a lookup.
DNA has opened many cans of worms. People do not know how much information to share and how to respond. Often adoptees reach out a bit too quickly and aggressively. They are eager to find out their answers. They have waited a long time to find information and their excitement leaps forward with bold questions.
On the other hand, the people that do not expect to be approached often put up instant walls because they are surprised/shocked by the unexpected contact.
We need to find ways to help both parties understand how to interact with each other. The big answer is slowly.
Let me know if you want me to do a look up on this potential cousin.
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Yes, Carolyn. That is pretty much it in a nutshell. The problem is that one person he got on the phone was probably one of maybe three (out of say 30 or 40) who would have given this response in any situation. The rest of us would have invited him over for coffee immediately... I'll send you a private message. Thanks!
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My guess after reading your private message is that the adoptee may have made contact to close DNA matches. Do you know if the aunt has done her DNA? If you are trying to find out who the adoptee is, and they have reached out to a close relative, my guess is that he has made his connections with DNA.
What close family member could you get to take a DNA test and share her results with you? You would potentially be able to find contact information with him. Can you ask your Aunt about DNA? Perhaps, even ask to see her results because you want to learn more about what DNA shows. You may be able to glean his contact information from her.
I will look further at the information that you shared with me and see if I can come up with some other ideas for potentially finding the individual. I was hoping that you had been told that "John Doe" had called and you just needed to locate a man with that name and an expected date of birth that matched with the adoptee.
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Traci, I am wondering if you saw my message?
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Ah, thanks. I see it.
The problem is that the ones who he would be the closest match to are the ones who are least likely to want to get in touch with him. My first cousins (on our mothers' sides) who would be his first cousins (on their dad's side) are on DNA databases I think, but they think my mother is the one who outed his mother (which isn't the truth, it was their mom in a drunken stupor according to recent information I was told). I'm just now finding out any of this as my mom kept everything hush hush all these years as she was asked by the mother (who died a decade or so ago). So basically there is enough DNA there for me, my sister, my mother to potentially be distant matches if the father is indeed my mom's brother as we suspect may be the case, but if the father was (name redacted for privacy), the rapist, then he wouldn't be related to me (although maybe he would be further back- it is West Virginia after all).
I guess I just need to wait it out. 😞
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You will need to look at the DNA of the person that he reached out to. If you use the centimorgan tool found at DNAPainter, you can tell the potential relationships of her matches. You should be able to figure out who contacted your aunt by seeing who is matched in the right range. If you can get your aunt to share her DNA information with you, you can do this.
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If the young man reached out to your aunt, he must share DNA to match her. I'm unclear how this aunt is related to your mother's brother. Is this aunt your mother's sister?
https://dnapainter.com/tools/sharedcmv4
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The woman he had reached out to (W) is not related to me at all that I know of, though as I mentioned, it is a small town in WV and the possibility that we are distantly related is real (and in her 90s I think). She is the married-in aunt to the birth mother (J) (on her father's side). (W) thought she was still honoring the 1960-whatever promise to keep the entire thing secret when (M), the "child" did call inquiring. (W) merely was the unlucky person who answered the phone and shut him down when he asked about his birth mother. So (M),the "child" had done some research and knew some names and locations, made a call and got bad information from a not even real blood relative.
My mother's sister (F) married the birth mother's brother (D) which is the only definite family tie. My mother's sister (F) and her kids are not interested in pursuing this, but there are other cousins of theirs that we are in contact with who are interested in meeting him (as is my mother who wanted to adopt him and knew his birth mother well).
(Also, I may or may not be related depending on who the birth father was- that's undetermined.) *If* my mother's brother (L) were the birth father (one story I've heard is a possibility), the missing man would be my first cousin.
Sorry it's so complicated. Thanks for your help.
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Typically when adoptees reach out to DNA matches, they have done some groundwork to figure out where they fit into a family. They typically reach out to the closest matches and they know the potential relationship. Of course, there are some that do not understand how to work with DNA and will reach out to people and make wild guesses.
The answers are in the DNA evidence. If you can look at her DNA and figure out who could match with the suspected relationships, then you have something to work with.
If the adoptee is just working with names in a tree, and not DNA, I suppose that he could be making guesses based upon the rumors that he has heard. If this man would be your cousin, you can do your own DNA and potentially find him in your matches. His relationship will be close enough that he will be easy to identify is he is indeed your first cousin.
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